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...I know it comes from being depressed. That and the fact that I don’t have any clothes that fit me very well…And I don’t have an ironing board. I rarely wear any make up…If I do it’s mascara, eyeliner and lipstick. Period. I guess It’s time to taj=ke the bull by the horns and do something about it. like buying myself something nice a little at a time.

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That was new and fulfilling… So I have done 2 things in July…I also drove myself there. That was very exciting…I have done much driving at all since I have been Dx’ed. So July has been a good month for me. The new and fulfilling thing for me in August will be my Breast reduction…So this goal wil be over and done with after August 7th…SMILE

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Things seem to be falling into place…I am really into numerology and all the numbers have pointed to good things for the surgery. So I am really looking forward to it…Of course I am really scared as well. Yet it is very exciting to not have to carry all this extra weight around. And to be able to go shopping for normal bras. I am really getting excited. and the scheduled the surgery pretty fast so that I won’t have a lot of time to think about it. less than 2 weeks away….

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I am having the surgery done on August 7th. I can’t believe I am actully having it done, I will no longer be a 38J I will be a C cup the dr said. Yipee for me…I am so excited yet I am so nervous too.

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I have to go to curves when I get back from my dr’s appointment. ( I am going to see about having my Breast Reduced again, This one doesn’t demand the money up front.) Then I have to see my the*apist and and then go to The new support group. I have a full day ahead.

See more progress on: Get in shape - love my curves
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I am attending my first support group tonight…I am really looking forward to it. and getting this goal done…

See more progress on: increase my support system
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...I know what you are probably thinking…I’m not sure why…I was trying to explaing it to my BF last night…He is totally agaist it by the way. He Says there is NO WAY he could allow his girlfriend to be on display in front of other men and allow them to touch her. HE would actually break up with me. He said he couldn’t stand the agony of wondering what I was doing while I was at “work” and who I might be doing for extra money. He says that there are lots of drugs on the scene as well. He knows all of this first hand becuse he used to Date a stripper. And that was okay. Very weird. I guess I should be thankful that he loves me enough to not want me to put my body on display.

I have wanted to be a stripper since like 2nd grade. I didn’t even know what a stripper was. And I was raised in a very religious home. Yet I was also being sexually molested by my uncle since I was 6. It’s like I was trying to tell Ray last night I look at sex a lot differently than your average person. I can separate sex and love and sex and my body. I have been raped 3 other times. One of those times was a gang rape. I told Ray that I can leave my body at will. I also told him That I think I could be a prostitute and it really wouldn’t bother me. I know that is probably not something you want to hear from the woman you love. But it is the truth. It is my truth anyway. So anyway I digress…I want to do the pole dance to celebrate the godess within me. I will get a pole and do the dance here at home for myself and ray. If I were to Stripp. It would be for me. It wouldn’t be for the hunderd eyes lookingat me. It would be a celebration of myself…Ray can’t understand that. I hope I have made a little since out of all of this…

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I was really looking forward to going on Friday. Yet, I allowed my boyfriend to talk me out of going. I really Hated myself for allowing him to do that. I was all psyched to go then I let him change my mind. I got really pissy and everything. My The*apist and I decided that 6pm would be the best time for me to go since they close at 7pm. I have this tendency to become addicted to exercise. SO I would be tempted to stay there and do more than the suggested 2 rounds. But since I would only have an hour I would only be allowed to do the 2 rounds.

It felt really good to be at curves though. I can’t wait to go back. However, My BF wants me to go while he is at work. SO I guess I have to be able to go during the day and be responsible enough to only do the alloted 2 rounds. I can do that. I can do anything I set my mind to.

See more progress on: Get in shape - love my curves
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This cycle of depression is really hanging on…I can’t seem to shake it. I guess I need my meds changed. Maybe I am more depressed about my separation and divorce than I thought. Maybe that is why it is hanging on. I am not sure though. I have been hanging on to Dave for awhile. Yet Now I am indifferent to him. I feel that means That I am over him. I don’t love him I don’t hate him, I have no feelings to bind me to him, I am just indifferent. I mean I guess I will always have a ceratin amount of love for him, afte all he was my husband for 7 years. But there is no undying love for him, like I thought there was a few days ago. I have finally set myself free from him. The binding spell, yes we performed a binding spell, never a good idea, has finally lost it’s power over me. Maybe I am just ready to move on to the next level with Ray. And I don’t want Dave messing things up for me with him. I just know that there has been a complete change in my whole makeup towards Dave. I just am so indifferent towards him. I have never felt that way towards him before. I feel it is a very good thing. Now if I could just get this depression to be as indifferent.

See more progress on: Be happy more, be less depressed.
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I just morally can’t get into it. They are teaching me how to kill people. I have a mental block learning that sort of stuff. I also just am not getting it. I don’t have the Warrior spirit. Nor do I want too. I know I should, but it’s just not in me. I am a lover all the way, not a fighter. I Am the peacemaker that is for sure. I have every intention on going to Curves I just never get there. It’s omnly 5 blocks from my house. I can walk there. I have a car now I can drive there. And still I sit here. I have been paying for it since Jan5, and I have been there a total of 3 times. Doesn’t that suck? I just have this block. I know that I can defend myself should I someone attempt to Rape me again. I know that I will not put myself in that situation again. Yet there is something holding me back from going. Everyone is paying me compliments on how good I look. I have lost a few pounds. I love the compliments. So why wouldn’t I want more of them? My clothes are all too big for me. I need new clothes which I can’t afford. I say I hate being home all day…I wonder if I have a little agoraphobia…I like the safty of the house. It seems hard for me to leave the house alone. Well I will do it today one way or another. I will go to Curves today…I WILL!!!

See more progress on: Get in shape - love my curves
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